No Shame in Being Ordinary

Many years ago I read Lord of the Rings and I stopped writing fiction because I knew I could never be the writer that Tolkien was. So I switched to poetry, but after reading the Iliad I knew I could never be the poet that Homer was. And so most of what I wrote never left the safety of its shelf. It's because I didn't just want to be a writer, I wanted to be a great writer. But there is no shame in being ordinary. We do not all strive to be great men or great women. For if we are all leaders who then will be our followers? If we are all great writers who then will be our readers? The man or woman who cannot see passion in being who they already are has missed the point entirely. These days I do not strive to be a great writer. I simply strive to be the writer that I am.

Autonomy

At our home group tonight we will be studying Tradition 4 which basically states that each group in AA is autonomous (self-governing) as long as the decisions we make don't affect neighboring groups or AA as a whole. At our group we always have cookies or cheesecake or apple pie, but that's because we're a kitchen-style group like they had in the old days. I was at a neighboring group last night and they had cookies too. Of course, ours are baked on the premises and not bought at a store....lol.....but even still they were tasty. So maybe what we're doing here in the trailer park is catching on.....

Two Years or One Day

Those of you who are not in a 12-step program can disregard this post. I'm just mildly confused about something I heard this evening. Personally, I have been a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous for almost 16 years so I been around the block a few times. I just wish I knew half as much as what everybody thinks I think I know.

In the book "Alcoholics Anonymous", which many of us refer to as the Big Book, on page xvii, it makes a reference to bringing the message of hope to the still suffering alcoholic and I quote, "By late 1937, the number of members having substantial sobriety time behind them was sufficient to convince the membership that a new light had entered the dark world of the alcoholic." The italics are mine. Substantial sobriety time in this case was approximately two years.

But many members say that since it's a one day at a time program that "the person who woke up earliest this morning is the person with the most sobriety." That sounds witty and even makes a bit of sense, but really now....which is more substantial: two years or one day? If I wanted to learn how to do CPR, should I be trained by someone who's been practicing it every day for two years, or by someone who learned how to do it at 5 a.m. this morning.

Know what I mean, jellybean?

The voices in my head

As a writer, I sometimes encounter stumbling blocks in storytelling. I love to tell stories about my life if I think that the hearing of the story will help the person I'm telling it to. I have even had a few of those stories published in the AA Grapevine (the monthly journal of Alcoholics Anonymous).

Currently, I am writing an e-book of those stories and the problem I keep running into is that I write the way I talk. I remember well the times I thought I was Tolkien or Stephen King or George Carlin and I tried to write my stories the way they told theirs. These days I find it much easier to write my stories the way I tell them.

There is a story in my book that I have told numerous times. It's the story of how Nancy and I met, fell in love, and decided to walk this road together. One version of that story has already been published so the rights to print that story have been sold, meaning that I can't publish the story anywhere else without permission from the publisher. I had considered getting permission to reprint the story, but I have already rewritten most of it and I would prefer to use the newer version.

The voices in my head tell me it should be okay because I didn't sell the "story", just the words I used to tell the story. I'll let you know how that works out.


UPDATE: I sent an email to the Editorial Department at the AA Grapevine and they informed me that I could use phrases from the original story without violating copyright and if I wanted to use the original story I could do that as long as I included a copyright credit to the AA Grapevine. So, that's good news because the book just wouldn't be the book without that story in it.

How To Let Your Teens Know

• Do not talk to your teens. This will let your teens know you are aware of the generation gap and that you have no intention of dragging them into conversations which interest adults and, therefore, could not possibly interest teens.

• Do not ask your teens questions about their life. Do not attempt to engage them in small talk. Do not ask about school. After all, teens spend most of their life chained to a desk, performing tasks that are of no interest to them, so that they may obtain a degree that will one day be of no use to them, and they have no wish to discuss the time they spend doing that when they are not doing it.

• The same applies to questions about summer jobs, hobbies, sports, friends, relationships, or any difficulties they may be having with any of the above. Avoiding these topics will let your teens know that you respect their boundaries and that you do not intend to confuse being a parent with being a friend.

• Wash their dishes. Do their laundry. Cook their meals. Tidy their rooms. This will let your teens know that you know how incredibly busy they must be with school, with summer jobs, with hobbies, sports, friends, relationships, and with any difficulties they may be having with any of the above. It will also let your teens know you are willing to do whatever is necessary to help them make the transition from being a busy teen to being a busy adult.

• If when tidying your teen’s room, you happen to stumble across any illegal substances such as marijuana plants, crack pipes, syringes, or stolen DVD players, try to remember that you are in their room without their permission, that they have rights guaranteed to them under the Constitution, and that you should not be messing with their stuff. If you leave these items untouched, this will let your teens know that you know you are in the wrong.

• It might be wise to set aside an emergency fund to cover the unexpected costs of fines or bail money should the police raid your home. If this does happen, be sure to leave a note for your teens informing them of the charges and how long you expect to be incarcerated so they will know when you will be back to cook and clean and tidy up their future messes.

• Do not attempt to discipline your teens. Do not impose any curfews or restrictions of any kind. Allow them to come and go as they please. This will teach your teens some of the freedoms they can expect to enjoy once they get a place of their own.

• Your teens may even decide that they already have a place of their own. This may encourage them to invite their friends to spend the night or have them move in completely. In this case, you might want to invest in a set of earplugs so that you will not be distracted by anything that is not your business anyway.

• Should your teens manage to graduate from school or even if they decide to drop out, do not pressure them to find work. This will let your teens know you are willing to let them take a year or two off in order to find their true selves. You might want to set aside another emergency fund should they decide to look for themselves in Third World Countries.

• Once your teens decide what they will do with the rest of their lives, they may wish to live in your home for another three to five years. Do not expect them to surrender any portion of their salary to pay rent, electricity, water, phone, internet, cable, transportation or groceries. This will let your teens know you are aware that they will have enough expenses to deal with (concerts, shopping sprees, pub crawls, body piercings, etc.). Also, you might wish to set aside another emergency fund in case they need a down payment on a house or an automobile.

How To Let Your Parents Know

• Do not wash your own dishes. Whenever possible, set your dirty dishes aside, perhaps under your bed or in a dresser drawer, until after your parents have washed their own. Then, collect your dishes and place them where they will be the most visible. This will let your parents know you have eaten. 

•  Do not do your own laundry. Just let it accumulate. Use extra towels when showering. This will let your parents know you are observing basic hygiene. 

•  Invite your friends to sleep over and let them dirty a few dishes or use a few towels. This will let your parents know that your friends have the same habits as you. 

• Recycled items should not be placed inside blue bags. Placing milk cartons, cereal boxes, etc. beside or on top of blue bags lets your parents know you are finished with them and that these items are to be recycled. It will also let your parents know what needs to be purchased in order to keep the supply of food constant.

• When entering or exiting a room, always slam the door behind you. (Not turning the doorknob helps). This will let your parents know where you are.

• Do not lock the outside door behind you. This will let your parents know you have misplaced your key again and that you need another one.

• Turn on every light in the house, even when it is unnecessary. This will let your parents know you appreciate having electricity.

• If you use drugs, leave your paraphernalia or leftovers in plain view. This will let your parents know that you are not keeping any secrets from them. 

• When your parents are having a conversation, whether with you, with themselves, or anyone else, be sure to correct their pronunciation. This will let your parents know you are paying attention in school. Another way to illustrate this is to point out how much more knowledgeable you are about current affairs. 

• Always let your parents know your whereabouts. If you are in the kitchen, preparing your own lunch, slam a few doors and clang a few pots. If you are in the bathroom, drop the toilet seat loudly or sing like Kurt Cobain in the shower. If you are in your bedroom, play your DVD player, your stereo, and any musical instruments you may have. And remember, if you are leaving the home, slam the door.

 


 

Sponsorship in the Field of Alcoholism

Without a sponsor, I doubt I would have recovered from alcoholism. I am equally as doubtful that my sobriety will continue if I do not sponsor others. After all, our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. I have sponsored many alcoholics in the 15 years since I recovered. Most of them are still drinking. But, one of us managed to stay sober.


I am fortunate because I have chosen to work in the field of alcoholism. I was for many years employed in a transition home for men in the early stages of recovery and I am currently involved in the creation of another such home. No, I am not an alcoholism counselor. I just like working with drunks.


As I mentioned, I have been a recovered alcoholic for quite some time. I like to think my sobriety is stable and that I am enjoying the new life I have found in Alcoholics Anonymous. I try as best I can to apply the spiritual principles of that program to my life on a daily basis. Apparently, it showed when I was at work. Sometimes my clients would see me at A.A. meetings.


Every now and then, a client would ask me to sponsor them. My first impulse, as an A.A. member, was to say yes, because we keep what we have by giving it away. Perhaps we saw each other at meetings, we’ve seen that our stories are similar, I’m sober and I appear to be enjoying life, he has decided he wants what I have, etc. etc. etc.


And then, reality sets in. The first and foremost reality is that in this business it is against company policy for a staff member to have a relationship with a client. Sponsorship is a relationship between two alcoholics. To be effective, we must walk day by day on a path of spiritual progress. We must spend a great deal of time together during the first few weeks or months. As a result, we would become very close. I would drive him to meetings. I would want him to attend the weekly step study that I attend. We would have lunch together. I might even invite him home to have thanksgiving dinner with my wife and I. If he is unemployed I might help him find a job. We would likely develop a rapport that the other clients do not have with me and that he does not have with other staff members. For, we have become friends. This would inevitably be noticed.


Eventually, one of us would be spoken to. If we were working an honest program, we would not be able to lie about it. In fact, one might conclude that we were already lying about it, since an act of omission bears the same weight as an act of commission. And what message am I carrying then? That it is okay to be dishonest when it suits me? Like many forms of lying, it starts with one little lie and gradually becomes a bigger lie. When the truth comes out, we would be told that the relationship must come to an end. There may be hurt feelings, resentment, maybe even a defiant refusal. In a worst case scenario, he may be looking for another place to live and I may be looking for another job.


The simplest solution is to say no. In fact, an A.A. member once said to me, “Why sponsor one of them when you can sponsor all of them?” At first, I didn’t understand what he meant. But, if a client has a question about A.A., he can certainly ask me the question. If he picked up some resentment at an A.A. meeting, he can certainly talk to me about it. If he needs a hard to find A.A. pamphlet, he can always ask me about where to locate one. If he wants to hear how I got well, I will tell him before I begin my shift, after I end my shift, or during one of my breaks. In my story he will hear me mention my sponsor numerous times. If he decides he needs a sponsor, I can explain to him how to go about getting one, direct him to literature that might help. I may even give him a few leads. After all, I’m not the only sober A.A. member in our city and it is only an ego-feeding supposition that I am the one who ought to sponsor him.


Incidentally, both my wife and I are recovered alcoholics with about the same number of years in A.A. Whenever I think it will help someone, whether an AA member or a client, I always tell the story of how we met, how we have enjoyed thirteen years of marriage without any major arguments, how the honeymoon is far from over, etc.

One day, a member of AA who is also one of my clients, asked me what our secret was. He said whatever it was we should put it in a bottle and sell it. I told him our secret wasn’t really a secret. It is the daily application to our life of the principled actions we learned in the 12 Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous, that putting it in a bottle wasn’t necessary, that it was already in a book and millions of people all over the world were already sold on it.


He looked at me and smiled. In a low voice, he said “For a moment there, it felt like you were my sponsor.” I just winked and replied, “For a moment, I was.”