August 30 - Courage To Change

During my marriage to my first wife we used to have "discussions" about things each of us needed to change. They were usually a list of all the things my wife didn't like about me that she expected me to change and a list of all the things I didn't like about her that I felt she had to change. This was how we "communicated".

So we would try to be better people for each other because after all we loved each other and therefore we wanted what was best for each other. Our changes would generally last about a month and then one or both of us would slip back to our old ways, maybe add a few more idiosyncrasies that were guaranteed to make our partner like us even less. And so we would have to have another discussion and set new boundaries.

I think we did that once a month for 18 years. Sadly, we failed to recognize that if we didn't like each other we should have just left each other, which we eventually did do. Of course, I thought it was because she didn't love me enough to become the person I thought she could be and I'm sure she felt the same way about me.

I'm in my second marriage now and its very different. I change myself and she changes herself and it is only rarely that we tell each other what we think the other should do. I love her for who she is and not for who I think she should be. I could lie and say she never does anything to tick me off. Okay, there was that one thing about 6 years ago - not putting the cap back on the coffee jar did get under my skin - but I got over it. I put the coffee in a cannister.

On December 31, 2014 we will celebrate 15 years of marriage and the only question I have is: When does the honeymoon end?

August 21 - Causes and Conditions

I have learned things about  alcoholism by being alcoholic. One of the most important things I learned is that alcohol does not cause alcoholism. If it did, then everyone who drank alcohol would be an alcoholic and that just isn't so.

For me it was my defects of character that were the primary cause of my drinking and of my failure at life. So if a government agency or health care system could come up with something that would make me less selfish, less dishonest, less angry, and less afraid, then they might have something close to a cure.

Oh by the way, video lottery terminals are also not the cause of compulsive gambling so attempting to fix something that wasn't responsible for the problem in the first place was really just a waste of time and I'm glad the government trashed that little project.

Know what I mean Jellybean.

August 17 - Principles vs Personalities

Principles Before Personalities


How many times in meetings do we hear the chanting of “principles before personalities” when someone reads the Twelve Traditions. If you ask the chanters what they think that phrase actually means, chances are you’ll get the wrong answer. Many people think it means that there are many “personalities” in AA and that we need to practice the principles of AA when we attend meetings by constantly reminding ourselves that other people are sick too and that we need to overlook their shortcomings so that their behavior does not adversely affect our own recovery. Although there may be some truth in that statement, it’s basically an ego-feeder. I cannot be responsible for how other members behave, how they act, what they say, what they do. The only behavior I can be responsible for is my own. I need to make sure that my behavior does not infringe upon or interfere with “your” recovery. So I need to use the principles of AA, primarily the principle of humility, to protect you from me and not the other way around.

August 19 - Hitting Bottom

Hitting Bottom

In the 4th edition of the Big Book, on page 425, in one of the personal stories, it says “One definition of a bottom is that point where the thing you just lost or the thing you are about to lose becomes more important to you than booze.” I would add that one definition of relapse is that point where the thing you just received or the thing you are about to receive becomes more important to you than your sobriety.

If my sobriety is not my top priority, if I allow something (a job, a relationship, a material possession) to take precedence over staying sober, then I might as well take a drink now and get it over with because it will just be a matter of time.

The late Ray O'Keefe said, "There is a line.....somewhere.....beyond which we are not permitted. And there is a point...somewhere...below which we are not permitted to sink. And there is a threshold of pain...somewhere...beyond which no human being is required to endure. And it's different for everyone."

AA literature tells us that the reason so much importance is placed on hitting bottom is that few alcoholics will practice the twelve steps unless they have hit bottom because the process requires the adoption of attitudes and actions that those who are still drinking would never dream of taking.

Imagine you're in the bar with your buddies. You got a hundred bucks in your wallet and you suddenly remember you owe three of them 20 bucks each. They haven't remembered but you have. You'd tell them right even if means you'll only have 40 bucks left. Uh-huh.

August 18 - Importance of Meetings

On the importance of meetings, the topic is certainly brought up enough times so that we should by now be fully aware of their importance. The Big Book states, in Bill’s Story, p. 15-16, that “We meet frequently so that newcomers may find the fellowship they seek.” Certainly we meet for other reasons than fellowship. After all, the sole purpose of an AA group is the teaching and practice of the 12 steps (that’s another reason) and who pray tell do we teach them to -newcomers I would reckon. So, I think the important word in that statement was “newcomers”. The ever popular open speaker meeting is designed so the newcomer can “relate” to our “stories”.

Probably the worst type of meeting ever to be created was the open discussion meeting. The chairperson generally asks for topic ideas from the floor and right there the chairperson has surrendered control of the meeting from himself to those alcoholics gathered at the meeting. Certainly, there are no bosses in AA and chairpersons are no exception, but the chairperson is considered to be the “leader” of the meeting and as the leader it is his responsibility to ensure that the meeting is conducted in an orderly fashion.

The chairperson ought to select the topics to be discussed. Whenever possible, he or she could provide a short reading on a topic and /or be first to share on topics.. Once the floor is opened for discussion it will be his responsibility to ensure that those who share stay on the topics suggested, that they limit their shares to 5 or 6 minutes so that all who wish to share have an opportunity to participate.

If the chairperson relinquishes control to the meeting, chances are it will the same 3 topics every time and the same 3 members sharing every week.

August 16 - 90 in 90

90 in 90


A common misinterpretation in 12 step programs is the attending of 90 meetings in 90 days. There’s a funny story about how that slogan came into being. Apparently, an alcoholic appeared before a judge who had just heard about Alcoholics Anonymous. The judge had been prepared to pass a sentence of 90 days in the local jail but he decided to give the drunk a choice, so his judgment was that the drunk either spend 90 days in jail or attend 90 AA meetings. The drunk never appeared before the judge again on alcohol-related charges and follow-up reports indicated that the meetings had sobered the drunk up. So, the judge began handing this sentence out to all drunks who appeared before him. Over time, the phrase was shortened to 90 meetings or 90 days and somewhere along the way it slurred into 90 meetings in 90 days. 

I am not knocking daily attendance at meetings but it certainly shouldn’t end at 90 days. Nor should it be viewed as an alternative to jail. That makes it sound like a punishment. And like most punishments it only works while it is in effect. Most alcoholics mandated to treatment will only remain in treatment until their sentence is finished, then they leave. Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it doesn’t work that way. Oh, it might work if you came to AA to avoid going to jail, or if you came to AA to get your job back, or if you came to AA to meet a girl and fall in love. But if you came here to recover from alcoholism, you’re going to have to hang around a lot longer than 3 months. I’ve been here almost 17 years and although I am a recovered alcoholic, I can’t see myself leaving anytime soon.

Uphill Both Ways

I used to hate it when oldtimers said,  "Son when I was your age blah blah blah......"

Now I'm an olditimer and I think back to when I sobered up, getting close to 17 years ago so it's been a while. I was staying out on Garshan road in Waverley. Me and my buddy used to walk down to club 24 every morning to go to a meeting. It's about 5 miles. I was a lot younger then. I wouldn't be able to do it now. But I laugh when I see newcomers today not going to a meeting because they can't get a drive there and back.

Know what I mean? Jellybean.