Crosswalk blues

So my wife received a response from Josh Bragg about her crosswalk challenge. I didn't read the email yet but the gist of it was that the Mayor knows about it, that decisions about where crosswalks go aren't really up to him, but not to worry, another survey of the situation will be conducted in the fall of 2015. Sounds like the runaround to me.

And I got the impression that Mayor Savage won't be crossing Baker Drive in a wheelchair so I would assume he declined the challenge. I guess voters only count when it's election time.

I don't know how many times we have to say it in order to be heard, but there is no crosswalk on Baker Drive and any senior coming out of the seniors home who wishes to get across the street to the bus stop must either walk to the bottom of Baker Drive or up the hill to the top of Baker Drive. Down will take 10-15 minutes. Up will take 30-45 minutes and that's for someone like me. So unless it's legal to jaywalk, I guess the seniors can just stay put until the fall survey.

Baker Drive in Dartmouth Needs A Crosswalk

On Baker Drive in Dartmouth there are seniors homes and condominiums, car dealerships, a Kent store, a Sobeys, a bank, a drugstore, there's even a Tim Hortons and a bus stop on either side of the street. But there are no crosswalks.Well, there's one at the very bottom of the street and another at the very top of the street. If you've ever walked up Baker Drive you'll know it's a very long street. And you'll know that there are many seniors living on the street. If one of those seniors wanted to get to the bus stop that is located across the street from their home, they are expected to first walk to one of the crosswalks at the bottom or the top of Baker Drive, cross over, then walk back. Traffic isn't always heavy but it's always steady. Besides, isn't it illegal to cross a street unless you're in a crosswalk. I took a few pictures and a video today to give you an idea of what we're up against.

Geography Lesson

I was trying to remember where I was 17 years ago tonight. I'm pretty sure I was at a meeting listening to a bunch of oldtimers tell me I was making a mistake. I was getting ready for my big geographical cure. I'd met a girl online and I was going to move to the badlands of Wyoming to start a new life.

They said geographical cures don't work. They said no matter where you go there you are. They said the grass always looks greener until you get there and realize you are still here. Its just different grass.

You see I thought my problem was you but as it turned out my problem was me. So trying to change you doesn't change me and trying to change my surroundings doesn't change me either. Of course I nodded and said the things all new people say. But I know what I'm doing. Its not going to be the way it was. I'm different now. I know what I did wrong before.

What a crock of shit. I was drunk less than 12 hours after I left. And I stayed drunk for a while. And everything I touched turned to shit. Eventually I came back here and did what I should have done from the start.

I changed me. Sometimes I wish I could change you and sometimes I wish I could change the world and sometimes I wished I lived somewhere else or worked somewhere else. But I don't wish I was with someone else and I don't wish I was someone else.

Maybe it will all work out. Who knows. They say god knows. You could always ask him. Thy will not mine be done.

Terrorism 101

In light of the recent acts of terrorism against the Canadian Armed Forces by Iraqi sympathizers, some have suggested that we round up al such persons and ship them back to Iraq. While we're at that, we ought to do the same to Afghanis, Iranians, Africans, Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Swedes, Portuguese, Italians, Czechs, and anyone else who wasn't born and raised here. When it was all said and done, the only ones living here would be pure Canadians. I'm sure Hitler sympathizers would approve.

There is an old saying, "Don't allow the terrorist to take you to Point A because then he will surely take you to Point B." The whole idea of terrorism is to make us afraid, afraid enough so that we will take action and if the action we take turns us into terrorists, then we find ourselves at Point B.

Make no mistake, the Enemy is not coming to our country. He is already here. He didn't have to sneak in either. We let him in and welcomed him with open arms. We sent him to school. We gave him a job. We allowed him to become one of us and he let us believe he actually was one of us. So, should we live in fear that one day he and all his fellows will rise up and murder us in our sleep? If we do, then we will have taken ourselves to Point B.

Let us not allow them to take us to Point A.  Be cautious and sometimes be afraid, but do not be so afraid that you take actions that make us like them.

My prayers are with the family of the young soldier who died protecting his country.

Also, I salute the sergeant at arms who performed justice in a way that I am sure the killer understood. An eye for an eye.

A Day in the Life of A Filing Clerk

I've been collecting music for most of my life. Currently I keep my music in digital format, to conserve space. I have almost 15,000 albums so space is a concern. I store them in folders on external hard drives.

On each drive are folders for each letter of the alphabet.

In these folders are sub-folders for each Artist. Those are alphabetically arranged whenever possible by Last Name, First Name.

In the Artist sub-folder is another sub-folder for each album. They are arranged chronologically.

And inside each Album folder, the files are listed numerically under a uniform file format name

01 - Song Title - Artist Name.
02 - Song Title - Artist Name.

etc etc.

I also have a spreadsheet database that lists them all.

Sound like a lot of work? It is. But when someone says "Do you have anything by so and so?" I can find out pretty quick. And when I do a compilation (for my own listening pleasure of course) of, for example, the blues albums I acquired this year....I can arrange the songs in a folder so that it plays the first song from each artist, then the second, the third, etc.

Some people collect stamps. I do this.

Dirty Laundry

I was just poking around my favorite social media site. You all know the one I'm talking about. A lot of drama there today. Who needs television when you have this site? Pass the popcorn please. I guess I don't get it. If I had an argument with my wife, I wouldn't post it on facebook and then get into a discussion about what a terrible person she was with people who didn't even know my wife. That stuff would be between my wife and I. If I thought someone was being an asshole, I wouldn't post that on facebook  because that's redundant. Everybody is an asshole sometimes. Even I, too, am less than perfect. And why make my amends list longer?  It's enough work at the length it already is without having to apologize to the asshole for telling everyone what an asshole he was and then apologizing to everyone I told because I dragged them into a conversation that was really none of their business to begin with. That's way too much apologizing for me.

In the tenth step of my program it talks to me about the practice of self-restraint. It says, "in order to practice self-restraint, I need an honest analysis of what's involved, a willingness to accept the blame if it's my fault and an equal willingness to forgive if it was their fault." Analyzing a situation honestly allows me to see if I was at fault. Not everything that happens is my fault, but sometimes it is. Sometimes I make mistakes. And if it was my fault, if he was an asshole because I was an asshole first, then I need to own that. If, on the other hand, it wasn't my fault and it was all him, then I need to forgive him for being an asshole. Then, I can get on with the rest of my day and you won't need to hear about it on facebook.

Know what I mean. Jellybean.

Perspective

Sometimes its all a matter of perspective. If you follow my posts on social media you might have noticed that lately I have become disenchanted with my job. Let's face it. It's a boring job. I got skills and they're being wasted. I could implement some organization here, some filing tricks there, change the way they do that, do away with that, etc etc etc. But I can't do that here. I get in trouble when I do their jobs for them. so I get disgruntled.

Don't get me wrong. Boring can be good. When I worked in the field of alcoholism, there was never a dull moment. It was exactly the opposite of this job. Everyone wanted me to do their job for them, even my boss.

Something in the middle of the road would be fine with me.

But that's a negative outlook. Let's try to think positive thoughts. Next week is pay week. I just took a week off. You'd think I'd be short on my pay. However, I have a week that I worked before my vacation. Plus I get 2 weeks vacation pay even though I only took a week off. So I worked 40 hours and I get 120 hours pay.

So that alters my perspective somewhat.

Suicide Is Not Newsworthy

A young man threatens to kill himself in his home. Because it is heard that he may be in possession of firearms, a dozen law enforcement personnel surround his house and arrest him. He is sent to the hospital for assessment and later that day he is released. There is no mention in the newspaper about his cry for help and the local television station gives him a whopping 30-second spot. Because it's not news, certainly not the kind that anyone wants to know about. Nobody wants to hear about suicide. They want to read about snapping turtles that cause traffic jams or the best way to move a piano, but suicide......

Nah. Nobody wants to hear about that. And what they want to hear even less of is attempted suicide. Attempted suicide or non-fatal suicidal behavior is self-injury with the desire to end one's life that does not result in death as opposed to completed suicide, or the "act of taking one's own life.” Most people think that by pretending that attempted or completed suicide does not exist it will make the problem somehow go away. Got bad news for you Charlie. Suicide, whether brought on by post traumatic stress disorder or by plain old everyday depression is not going to go away just because you don't want to hear about it. It's a very real outcome of a very real illness that very real people suffer from.

Suicide is the seventh-most common cause of death among Canadian males, and tenth-highest among both sexes combined. According to Statistics Canada, among Canadians aged 15 to 24, suicide ranked second among the most common causes of death during 2003-2007 accounting for one-fifth of total mortality. The rate of suicide for all ages during the period 2000 - 2007 was 15 per 100,000 persons in Nova Scotia alone. According to recent articles in the Toronto Star, the Edmonton Sun, and the Alberta Daily Herald Tribune, the amount of suicides in the military was greater than the number of soldiers lost in Afghanistan.

Failure

Standing on a stool

looking for a beam to hang

the rope. There are none.

- copyright 2014

Jack of many trades...

I just made a list of previous employers that I have had. I came up with 38. Some of them I worked for more than once and one of them I worked for 8 times. I have been in the work force 42 years. Of course if you deduct the years I spent on EI or welfare or just unemployed, I've probably only spent 24 years actually working and 16 of those were during the past 17 years. So, some things have changed.

I'm no idiot

Last week I received an email wherein I was told. that I am arrogant, too far above myself, and an idiot. Mind you, the person who sent the email was probably drinking, if not drunk. No doubt her perception of reality was distorted.

That must be why she called me an idiot.

LOL.

September 1 - Fellowship

In a meeting, once, I heard a member make a distinction between the “program” of Alcoholics Anonymous and the “fellowship” of Alcoholics Anonymous. According to the dictionary, fellowship means a community of interest, activity, feeling or experience; the companionship of equals. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous is based on fellowship, two drunks talking to each other as equals, sharing with each other their experience and realizing their common interest – staying sober. So, for me, I can see the connection between the two, but I cannot see the distinction between the two.

September 2 - The Rubber Dinghy, The Canoe and the Helicopter

Yesterday morning I was at work. It was about 8 a.m. so I still had the full day ahead of me. I got a text message from someone who wanted to know where the A.A. meetings were that night. I get that a lot because everyone knows I'm a member and that I'm always willing to help a newcomer. So I went online and checked the location of one and told her. Then she said its been a while since I been to one are you and Nancy going? Well I wasn't going. I been working long hours and I'm tired. My leg has been bothering me and I'm in a lot of pain and I just wanted to go home and relax after work.

And then I remembered what my job is now. The Big Book, the one we have in AA, says "Your job is to be where you can be of maximum usefulness to God and to your fellows." So my job is not home on the couch, "taking it easy." My job is not going to the movies or going camping with my friends or working long hours to make money I won't have time to spend. I did enough of that when I was drunk. So I went to the meeting. And I enjoyed it. And I was able to be of service to someone new. After the meeting, I came home and relaxed.

I wanted to go to a meeting tonight but its a holiday so I am required to work. I'm not in business for Bernie so Bernie doesn't get to pick and choose when Bernie works. I do what they tell me to do and I get paid and get to keep my cable and my electricity and all those other things I didn't have when I was under the bridge.

But I have to always remember how I got where I am because if I don't, if I start thinking I don't need meetings or I don't have time for meetings or I don't have time to be a sponsor, guess what happens. I can tell you what happens. I become a Jimmy. or a Kelly. or a Danny Boy. or a Fred. or a Robin. or a Brenda. Those were people I knew who got the notion into their head that they were somehow special, that they could do this without going to meetings. They're gone now. They didn't just get drunk. They died.

I know there are people who are reading this who think they're special now. People who forgot how cold it was on the street or in that shed or how it felt to flatline on a gurney or to wake up in jail wondering if you killed someone last night. Get up off the couch. Get your butt back to meetings. You might not realize it but there's a lot of people who are going to miss you when you die.

There's an old story about a guy who was in a flooding town. He was sure he was special and that God would never let anything bad come to him. As the water started to rise, a guy came by in a rubber dinghy and said get in. He said no that's ok, god won't let me die. The water's really rising and he climbs up to the second story of his house. A guy comes by in a canoe and says, get in. Buddy says oh no thanks, god won't let me die. Then he's on the roof and there's water all around. A helicopter pilot throws him a rope ladder and yells down, get in you fool. Buddy says oh no I'm special, god won't let me die. The water rises, he slips off the roof and drowns. When he gets up to heaven he asks god why he let him die. God says, I don't know what you're talking about. I sent you a dinghy, a canoe, and a helicopter. But you turned down my help every time.

Know what I mean. Jellybean.

August 30 - Courage To Change

During my marriage to my first wife we used to have "discussions" about things each of us needed to change. They were usually a list of all the things my wife didn't like about me that she expected me to change and a list of all the things I didn't like about her that I felt she had to change. This was how we "communicated".

So we would try to be better people for each other because after all we loved each other and therefore we wanted what was best for each other. Our changes would generally last about a month and then one or both of us would slip back to our old ways, maybe add a few more idiosyncrasies that were guaranteed to make our partner like us even less. And so we would have to have another discussion and set new boundaries.

I think we did that once a month for 18 years. Sadly, we failed to recognize that if we didn't like each other we should have just left each other, which we eventually did do. Of course, I thought it was because she didn't love me enough to become the person I thought she could be and I'm sure she felt the same way about me.

I'm in my second marriage now and its very different. I change myself and she changes herself and it is only rarely that we tell each other what we think the other should do. I love her for who she is and not for who I think she should be. I could lie and say she never does anything to tick me off. Okay, there was that one thing about 6 years ago - not putting the cap back on the coffee jar did get under my skin - but I got over it. I put the coffee in a cannister.

On December 31, 2014 we will celebrate 15 years of marriage and the only question I have is: When does the honeymoon end?

August 21 - Causes and Conditions

I have learned things about  alcoholism by being alcoholic. One of the most important things I learned is that alcohol does not cause alcoholism. If it did, then everyone who drank alcohol would be an alcoholic and that just isn't so.

For me it was my defects of character that were the primary cause of my drinking and of my failure at life. So if a government agency or health care system could come up with something that would make me less selfish, less dishonest, less angry, and less afraid, then they might have something close to a cure.

Oh by the way, video lottery terminals are also not the cause of compulsive gambling so attempting to fix something that wasn't responsible for the problem in the first place was really just a waste of time and I'm glad the government trashed that little project.

Know what I mean Jellybean.

August 17 - Principles vs Personalities

Principles Before Personalities


How many times in meetings do we hear the chanting of “principles before personalities” when someone reads the Twelve Traditions. If you ask the chanters what they think that phrase actually means, chances are you’ll get the wrong answer. Many people think it means that there are many “personalities” in AA and that we need to practice the principles of AA when we attend meetings by constantly reminding ourselves that other people are sick too and that we need to overlook their shortcomings so that their behavior does not adversely affect our own recovery. Although there may be some truth in that statement, it’s basically an ego-feeder. I cannot be responsible for how other members behave, how they act, what they say, what they do. The only behavior I can be responsible for is my own. I need to make sure that my behavior does not infringe upon or interfere with “your” recovery. So I need to use the principles of AA, primarily the principle of humility, to protect you from me and not the other way around.

August 19 - Hitting Bottom

Hitting Bottom

In the 4th edition of the Big Book, on page 425, in one of the personal stories, it says “One definition of a bottom is that point where the thing you just lost or the thing you are about to lose becomes more important to you than booze.” I would add that one definition of relapse is that point where the thing you just received or the thing you are about to receive becomes more important to you than your sobriety.

If my sobriety is not my top priority, if I allow something (a job, a relationship, a material possession) to take precedence over staying sober, then I might as well take a drink now and get it over with because it will just be a matter of time.

The late Ray O'Keefe said, "There is a line.....somewhere.....beyond which we are not permitted. And there is a point...somewhere...below which we are not permitted to sink. And there is a threshold of pain...somewhere...beyond which no human being is required to endure. And it's different for everyone."

AA literature tells us that the reason so much importance is placed on hitting bottom is that few alcoholics will practice the twelve steps unless they have hit bottom because the process requires the adoption of attitudes and actions that those who are still drinking would never dream of taking.

Imagine you're in the bar with your buddies. You got a hundred bucks in your wallet and you suddenly remember you owe three of them 20 bucks each. They haven't remembered but you have. You'd tell them right even if means you'll only have 40 bucks left. Uh-huh.

August 18 - Importance of Meetings

On the importance of meetings, the topic is certainly brought up enough times so that we should by now be fully aware of their importance. The Big Book states, in Bill’s Story, p. 15-16, that “We meet frequently so that newcomers may find the fellowship they seek.” Certainly we meet for other reasons than fellowship. After all, the sole purpose of an AA group is the teaching and practice of the 12 steps (that’s another reason) and who pray tell do we teach them to -newcomers I would reckon. So, I think the important word in that statement was “newcomers”. The ever popular open speaker meeting is designed so the newcomer can “relate” to our “stories”.

Probably the worst type of meeting ever to be created was the open discussion meeting. The chairperson generally asks for topic ideas from the floor and right there the chairperson has surrendered control of the meeting from himself to those alcoholics gathered at the meeting. Certainly, there are no bosses in AA and chairpersons are no exception, but the chairperson is considered to be the “leader” of the meeting and as the leader it is his responsibility to ensure that the meeting is conducted in an orderly fashion.

The chairperson ought to select the topics to be discussed. Whenever possible, he or she could provide a short reading on a topic and /or be first to share on topics.. Once the floor is opened for discussion it will be his responsibility to ensure that those who share stay on the topics suggested, that they limit their shares to 5 or 6 minutes so that all who wish to share have an opportunity to participate.

If the chairperson relinquishes control to the meeting, chances are it will the same 3 topics every time and the same 3 members sharing every week.

August 16 - 90 in 90

90 in 90


A common misinterpretation in 12 step programs is the attending of 90 meetings in 90 days. There’s a funny story about how that slogan came into being. Apparently, an alcoholic appeared before a judge who had just heard about Alcoholics Anonymous. The judge had been prepared to pass a sentence of 90 days in the local jail but he decided to give the drunk a choice, so his judgment was that the drunk either spend 90 days in jail or attend 90 AA meetings. The drunk never appeared before the judge again on alcohol-related charges and follow-up reports indicated that the meetings had sobered the drunk up. So, the judge began handing this sentence out to all drunks who appeared before him. Over time, the phrase was shortened to 90 meetings or 90 days and somewhere along the way it slurred into 90 meetings in 90 days. 

I am not knocking daily attendance at meetings but it certainly shouldn’t end at 90 days. Nor should it be viewed as an alternative to jail. That makes it sound like a punishment. And like most punishments it only works while it is in effect. Most alcoholics mandated to treatment will only remain in treatment until their sentence is finished, then they leave. Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it doesn’t work that way. Oh, it might work if you came to AA to avoid going to jail, or if you came to AA to get your job back, or if you came to AA to meet a girl and fall in love. But if you came here to recover from alcoholism, you’re going to have to hang around a lot longer than 3 months. I’ve been here almost 17 years and although I am a recovered alcoholic, I can’t see myself leaving anytime soon.

Uphill Both Ways

I used to hate it when oldtimers said,  "Son when I was your age blah blah blah......"

Now I'm an olditimer and I think back to when I sobered up, getting close to 17 years ago so it's been a while. I was staying out on Garshan road in Waverley. Me and my buddy used to walk down to club 24 every morning to go to a meeting. It's about 5 miles. I was a lot younger then. I wouldn't be able to do it now. But I laugh when I see newcomers today not going to a meeting because they can't get a drive there and back.

Know what I mean? Jellybean.

Share Life

Years ago, if we wanted to share our memories with our friends or family we would grab a disposable camera, take pictures of our camping trip or our visit to Disney and when we returned to civilization.we could take that camera to a drugstore and get the film developed. It took about a week I think. Then we would arrange our memories in a photo album and all our friends or family could see what a great time we had.

As time passed and technology improved we bought digital cameras and home computers. We could then connect our camera to the pc and transfer our memories one at a time onto popular social media sites.

Nowadays we just point our cellphones at whatever we want to capture, snap a photo or take a video. If we have the right apps installed we can instantly share our memories on any one of a dozen social media sites. Using our phones or tablets we can chat, share, send mail, shop, bank, etc.

Gone are the days when we need to be glued to our computers to interact with people. Now we have time to live more useful lives and to share those lives with our family and our friends.

So why is it that when I look around me, I see 4 out of 5 people staring at their phones?

The Second Line

Park Manager was by today. I live in a trailer park. She wanted to drop off a letter about the proposed rent increase for next year. Also, something about having water meters installed. I guess if you plan to sell your trailer you have to have one installed sometime this year but if you plan to stay you can wait five years. Duh. That didn't take too much thinking. Although I will have to have a few words with her about how I'm supposed to be paying my water through the municipality instead of having it factored into my lot rental like we been doing for the past seven years. If the park isn't footing the bill for that anymore then I think there should be a decrease in my lot rental, not an increase. Oh well, it's not even five dollars. So my total lot rent will be $325 and my mortgage is about $300 a month, so I pay $625, plus utilities to own my own home. Sounds like a good deal to me.

Now if I can just find an app that will remotely disable some of the car stereos in the neighborhood I'd be laughing. Oh well, that's what the second line is for. In the serenity prayer. Accepting things I cannot change. I wish I could get those boys to start acting like adults, but I wasn't much better when I was their age.

Well thats's all from Mulgrave Lane. for today anyway.

the wind's job

Must be cold under the bridge tonight. It's cold here on spring garden road. The snow isn't deep but its leaping and twisting around in the wind, like white dust devils on an arctic desert. I did a few rounds about half an hour ago and already the wind has removed my footprints, like I was never there. I suppose that's part of the wind's job, to clean the surface of things, to remove all traces of the places where we tresspass. - a work in progress